On the Rag
by Jael Lazlo
Summary: Spike & Xander bond over the iniquities of their other-halves. Possible SPOILER in disclaimer.


Obviously none of it belongs to me, otherwise I wouldn't be writing fan- fiction I'd be writing the actual shows, sitting by a pool in Hollywood whilst sipping pina colada's.  
  
This is set sometime in the future where my fondest dreams have come true and Buffy & Spike actually have some kind of 'out in the open' relationship. There's been a 're-set' and none of the horrible (shudders for effect) stuff that's been happening and is going to happen, actually happened. Right then – you still with me?  
  
  
  
  
  
'Bloody Hell.' Spike stared morosely into his drink, the same drink he'd been staring morosely into for about the last 20 minutes. The music pounded its heavy bass beat and the bodies on the dance floor twisted and writhed with barely contained sexual energy. He didn't notice any of it.  
  
Someone slipped onto the empty bar stool next to his and he instinctively hunched his shoulder away from them, resenting any intrusion.  
  
'What's the matter Spike? Just remembered you don't actually have the money to pay for your drink?'  
  
'Aahh. My night is complete.' Spike swung around to face Xander who was sitting next to him and signaling the bartender for a beer.  
  
'Hey. You're not exactly my dream-date, oh UV Challenged One.'  
  
Spike's eyes narrowed, 'There's a whole bloody bar you know?' he said pointedly and nodded towards the rest of the bronze.  
  
'Shut up Spike.'  
  
'Oooh, good come-back. Glad to see we're on par tonight.'  
  
'Again I say, Shut up.'  
  
Xander nodded to the bar-tender and took a deep drink of his beer while Spike watched with one raised eyebrow.  
  
'Look like you needed that one.'  
  
'You have no idea.' Xander shook his head.  
  
'Oh, I might' Spike sighed and turned back to his drink.  
  
'Where's Buffy? I thought she didn't let you out by yourself. Something about not being quite housebroken yet?'  
  
'Oh yeah? What about your demon bride then? Don't usually see you straying too far from her petticoats.'  
  
Xander grunted, but didn't reply and having gotten the habitual trading of insults over and done with, the two men sat side by side in not quite companionable silence.  
  
'So', Spike downed his drink and gestured for another, 'Wanna play pool? Winner picks up the tab.'  
  
'Answer me this. How come last time I won and I STILL picked up the tab?'  
  
'Just unlucky I guess.'  
  
Xander shook his head and rose, following Spike to the pool table. A couple of younger, college boys were on the table and Xander put his coins next to the three piles they already had stacked up.  
  
Spike shook his head in disgust and leaning against the table, stared fixedly at the larger of the two boys. They quickly left the table.  
  
'Did you just do what I think you did?' Xander asked suspiciously as he racked up the balls.  
  
Spike shrugged, 'Don't know what you mean. They must've remembered something they needed to do like.'  
  
Xander stared long and hard at Spike who looked back at him, the picture of injured innocence. He decided to let it go.  
  
'I'll break', said Xander firmly.  
  
Spike paused for a beat while Xander lined up his shot and just as he drew back to strike said, 'Whatever you say monkey boy.'  
  
Xander miscued and caught the edge of the white ball sending it slowly into the green, completely missing any of the racked balls.  
  
'Damn it!', he swung around, 'I hate it when you call me that.'  
  
'Really?' asked Spike with the same innocent expression, 'I must try and remember that...so as to avoid upsetting you in the future.'  
  
Spike retrieved the white ball and lining up his shot drew back his hand.  
  
'Looser', Xander coughed into his hand as Spike connected with the white ball sending it straight as an arrow into the racked balls. They split with a sharp satisfying crack and two of the striped balls went down.  
  
Spike grinned broadly and shook his head in mock disappointment, 'Now that was just lame Harris. Not up to your usual at all.'  
  
He walked around the table, head bent as he sized up his next shot.  
  
Xander took another long swig from his Corona bottle and satisfied himself with glaring balefully at his opponent.  
  
Spike sank three more balls before he finally missed and Xander stepped up to the table.  
  
'You want another?' Spike gestured to the beer on the side of the table.  
  
'Sure.'  
  
As he turned to leave he said over his shoulder, 'No cheating now.'  
  
'Bite me.'  
  
Spike turned back to look at him with a smirk on his face as Xander realized what he'd said. An expression of extreme distaste flickered over his face and he shook his head.  
  
'Just get the drinks Spike'.  
  
When Spike got back to the table Xander had sunk two balls and was lining up the third. Xander paused to take another drink from his fresh beer and then placing it back on the side of the table, bent forward to take his shot.  
  
'So, does Anya ever ask you to do stuff for her?'  
  
Beer shot down Xanders nose onto the green of the table as he clipped the top of the white ball, sending it scant inches across the table.  
  
'OK', he swung around to face Spike, 'That's it. One more word out of you and I'm staking you with the nearest cocktail stick; cherry or no cherry.'  
  
'Hey!' Spike stepped back and spread his hands, 'It was just a question.'  
  
'I am SO not talking about my sex life with you Spike. This conversation is over.'  
  
Spike grimaced, 'Not sex you moron. Jesus, why on earth would I be interested in you and...her...that way.'  
  
Xanders eyes narrowed and Spike shook his head and said gruffly, 'Just forget it OK, I was gonna ask you something but just forget it.'  
  
'Just so I can clarify, was it a question about Anya?'  
  
'No! I mean, sort of. Not about HER specifically.'  
  
Xander thought for a moment and then a faint smile appeared on his lips, 'Were you going to ask me for advice Spike?'  
  
'Pshah', Spike made a dismissive gesture with his hand, 'As if YOU could teach ME anything about women. Hello! 120 some years more experience than you.' he laughed and shook his head, 'Off the mark with that one Harris.'  
  
Xander shrugged and turned back to the table, 'OK then. Whatever you say.'  
  
'So just suppose, for the sake of argument, I WAS asking you for advice?'  
  
Xander straightened again and turned back to Spike with a particularly irritating grin on his face.  
  
'I have so got to hear this. Ask away my man...er vamp...whatever.'  
  
Spike watched him uncertainly for a few minutes and asked.  
  
'Does Anya ever ask you to buy her stuff?'  
  
Xander looked surprised, 'You mean like presents? All the time.'  
  
'No', Spike shook his head impatiently, 'Not presents. Other stuff.'  
  
'You're going to have to be a bit more specific cos' this whole cryptic thing is just a little too on the cryptic side. Come on Spike, spit it out.'  
  
'You know', Spike squirmed, 'Stuff, for when she's like...you know'.  
  
'Animal, mineral or vegetable?'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Never mind. Could you act it out for me?'  
  
'Bloody hell man.'  
  
The music stopped and the Bronze was plunged into a sudden and unexpected hush.  
  
'Tampons!' roared Spike, 'Does she ever ask you to buy tampons?'  
  
Xander giggled, he couldn't help himself, besides, no-one in the place was going to notice an unmanly giggle. Not while everyone was staring at Spike, who was looking about ready to commit suicide on his pool cue  
  
'Are you blushing? Oh my God, I didn't think that was physically possible.'  
  
'Forget it.' Spike snatched up his beer and stalked around the side of the table, 'Take your bloody shot.'  
  
A couple of teenagers were staring at him with smiles on their faces and this time Xander definitely saw him slip into game face for a few seconds. They scurried away with frightened, backward glances.  
  
'Hey! Mr intimidator man. I saw that. I'll tell Buffy!'.  
  
'Oh bloody hell!' Spike exploded in frustration, 'You bloody little ponce!'  
  
Spike glared at Xander over the table wondering just how upset Buffy would be if he were to finally eat the annoying sod.  
  
Xander grinned again, 'Settle down Dead Boy.' He sank his ball and lined up the next shot a smile still quirking the corner of his mouth. He missed this one, but only just.  
  
'So', he stood, 'What exactly happened?'  
  
Spike's instincts warred with him. On the one hand he wanted to tell Harris to sod off and storm out of the place. On the other hand he desperately needed to tell someone exactly how unjust and unfair Buffy was being to him.  
  
'She sent me to get tampons and apparently I got the wrong kind or summat', he shook his head in irritation but was perversely relieved when a look of understanding dawned on Xander's face.  
  
Encouraged by what he saw he continued, 'It's not like I've ever bought the stupid things before. How as I to know they came in different sizes and whatnot?' a look of extreme distaste came over his face and he shuddered at the memory.  
  
'You never bought tampons before?'  
  
'I never SEEN a soddin' tampon before', said Spike indignantly.  
  
'How is that possible? I mean you're the one who said 120 years of experience and all that. It kind of comes with the package.'  
  
'Not with vampires you nitwit!'  
  
Xander nodded sagely, 'I admit, I had not thought of that. Ew! And never want to think of it again, come to think of it.  
  
'Well, what about before you were a vampire? You must have known some women then?'  
  
Spike looked rather horrified, 'A gentleman doesn't know about such things.'  
  
For the second time that night Xander's beer exited his body through his nose.  
  
'A gentleman?' he sputtered, 'You were a gentleman?'  
  
'No!' said Spike hastily, 'I mean yes. Oh bugger it. You're really not giving me anything I can work with here.'  
  
Xander got his mirth under control and nodded, 'There's alot you need to learn.'  
  
'Like wot' exactly?' Spikes eyes narrowed suspiciously but the curiosity in them was unmistakable.  
  
Xander clapped a hand around his shoulder and nodding wisely said.  
  
'Let's get another drink and I'll fill you in on everything you need to know to weather the storm.'  
  
'Storm?' Spike's voice shook a little bit.  
  
Xander nodded again, 'But don't worry', he patted Spike's shoulder reassuringly, 'If you just follow my instructions no-one will get hurt.'  
  
'Hurt?' There was a definite waver.  
  
'Oh yes, Luke. The force can be a scary thing, but you've got to learn to control it.'  
  
'Ere', Spike pulled away, 'What the bloody hell are you talking about now?'  
  
Xander grinned again, 'Never mind, I should have known that the pop culture reference would be lost on a 'gentleman' like yourself.  
  
'Actually', he continued, 'This is working out very well. I was going to go by the Quik-Mart later anyway and pick up a few things for An.'  
  
'Oh my God', said Spike in sudden understanding, 'Not her too?'  
  
Xander nodded, 'And Willow in about another day's time.'  
  
Spike paled – no mean feat for someone of his complexion, 'No.' he shook his head in desperate denial, 'That's not possible.'  
  
'I have alot to teach you'.  
  
And with that Xander led a very subdued Spike out of the Bronze.  
  
  
  
  
  
'Ello, love', Spike inched his way into the living-room where Buffy lay in her sweat pants flicking through the TV channels.  
  
'Spike', her voice was neutral which he took as a good sign.  
  
Remembering what Xander had told him he carefully avoided asking her how she was feeling and instead carried his grocery bags through to the kitchen.  
  
'What are you doing?', she was right behind him and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Then pulling himself together, he turned to her with a smile.  
  
'Just picked up some stuff from the store.'  
  
'What stuff?' Her voice was still deceptively calm.  
  
He fished the pint of Ben & Jerry's chocomundo ice-cream out of the bag and sent a prayer of thanks in Xanders directions as her eyes lit up. Shit, she was starting to look a little teary. Was that a good thing? He couldn't remember.  
  
'You bought me ice-cream?' her voice was small and tremulous.  
  
He nodded, figuring it was the safest response.  
  
She glanced at the rest of the items, 'What's that?'  
  
'Oh. I got you the right kind of tampons. Sorry about before.'  
  
'Oh Spike, that's so sweet and I was so mean to you.'  
  
'No no', he said hastily, 'Not mean at all. Really.'  
  
She just stood there watching him as he put stuff away and he was uncomfortably aware of all the potential weapons within her reach. Maybe it was time to get her out of the kitchen.  
  
'Why don't you sit down while I run you a nice hot bath?'  
  
'A bath?'  
  
Spike found himself wondering if being on her period turned her brain soft, but he nodded again.  
  
'I'll put in that scented stuff that you like and then we can watch a movie and I'll rub your feet.' OK, he thought that should do it, did everything Xander said.  
  
'Why are you being so nice?'  
  
Uh oh. A red flag went up in his brain and he scrambled for the right response.  
  
'Er, everyone needs a little pampering once in a while, I figured now was as good a time as any. Oh and I got you some of that coffee you like whilst I was at the store', he added triumphantly.  
  
She was definitely starting to cry, 'OK', she nodded and then stepped forward and hugged him. He forced himself to relax as he felt her hands come around his waist.  
  
'You're so sweet Spike. I don't deserve it.'  
  
He gently stroked her back, being supremely careful not to touch her in any manner that might set her off again.  
  
'Of course you do love. Even the slayer needs taking care of every now and again. Now off you go and I'll come get you when the bath's ready.'  
  
She nodded docilely and he couldn't shake the feeling that she was watching him as he went upstairs to run her bath. Oh well, only a couple more days according to Xander and he should be over the worst of it.  
  
He wondered briefly if he'd find the strength to go through this every month and then suddenly smiled to himself. They were like a real couple – they really were. With periods, and tampons, and everything.  
  
Suddenly feeling alot better, he hummed a little tune as he carefully measured the bath oil into the bath. Better test the water, wasn't he supposed to do that with his elbow or something? He couldn't remember. Maybe an elbow and his tongue too, just to be on the safe side. 


End file.
